From the CLIMATE NUREMBERG HUMOR SECTION
Readers may recall our coverage of yesterday’s address by Rajendra Pachauri at the annual Women In The Laboratory fundraiser.
Pro tip! You can tell when Dr Pachauri isn’t having an ironic laugh at the expense of the conventions of the genre: he always takes off his glasses if he’s speaking literally.
Given that Pachauri was speaking to a whole room full of women, you’d think it would be fairly straightforward to find out exactly what he said. Strangely, though, there seems to be material disagreement on a whole range of quotes in Kay Fabe’s report. Just hours after the fact, we’ve already heard two irreconcilable descriptions of the speech from CN’s readership.
Rather than pick the competing rumors apart in some kind of quixotic quest for The Truth, we decided it was better journalism—or at least faster journalism—just to repeat them. As always, caveat lector and all that!
Our first informant writes,
Dear CN,
I happened to be one of Dr Pachauri’s rapt audients in Delhi yesterday. It’s a shame the normally dependable Kay Fabe has misheard, misremembered or misreported his funniest passage:
Let me tell you about my girl troubles. Four things happen when girls are in your research institute: they have heaving breasts; excited by their heaving breasts as they breathe in and out deeply, you’re overcome by a lust you have never known before; you fall in love with the girl behind those breasts, with sincerity and unfathomable depth; and you cry when she refuses to give you that textual healing.
Your spirit is destroyed, you continue to long for her, and your tears flow incessantly. Which not only puts you off your cricket game but has impacts downstream, on the lesser aspects of your life—your dharma, your religion, the quality of the science.
There you are, chairing an IPCC meeting and surreptitiously sending her messages; and she still refuses your fervent offers to keep and nurture her heart.
What the hell? That makes about as much sense as—say—not letting me touch you, even though I’ve always treated your body with reverence and as sacred!
Women. Amiright?
But according to another reader who attended,
[Dr Pachauri] said three things happen when girls are in the lab.
They have ample breasts; you fall in love with them; and when you can’t help grabbing them in the break room they run crying to the Lodhi Colony Police Station.
Once the authorities get involved the entire relationship loses something of its divine spark, he regretted to say.
Love itself is the next casualty, slipping alive into a grave she has dug for it.
What was the answer?
Perhaps we should make separate labs for boys and girls?
With a one-way mirror, of course, so the scientists can keep an eye on the ladies’ standard of work, grooming habits, pillow fights, and so on…. just to make sure everything’s heaving along as it should, albeit on a strictly look-don’t-touch basis.
They say voyeurism can be nearly as hot as a real office romance. It couldn’t be any messier or more heartbreaking, that’s for sure.
Ms Fabe also forgot to mention the most hilarious (by far) of Dr Pachauri’s quirky observations on life in today’s research workplace.
Guys, you’ll relate to this one: don’t you hate it when you’re doing the preliminaries of making love to a girl from the lab, and right at the critical moment… you wake up!
What is the deal with that?
Accusations waved away
Do you read a certain newspaper?
If so, you’re aware that at the end of his speech to Women In The Laboratory about the rôle of females in science, Dr Pachauri is accused of having “thanked the women for making lunch.”
Confronted with the allegation this morning, the 75-year-old eco-visionary said it wasn’t even plausible.
“I never thank lunch-women,” he pointed out.
According to Dr Pachauri it’s his assistant’s job to thank women for preparing food—if and only if (in his assistant’s judgement) the food is unusually good.
“As I recall, they were paid to provide catering [yesterday], a job which they did to a perfectly satisfactory (if not memorable) standard, and therefore had no expectation of overt thanks.”
Let this be another reminder, if you need one, never to trust the organ from which this particular meme is emanating (a notorious mouthpiece of the Murdochratic misinformation machine).
CLIMATE NUREMBERG 
Pingback: In wake of Trouble With Girls speech, feminists slam Pachauri’s “offensive, antiquated” critics | CLIMATE NUREMBERG