What the lesser outlets are saying about Our Missing Scientists

seattle-times-logo-mastheadThe [scientists’] families have dismissed the runaway theory unanimously, describing their loved ones as “cowards,” “cravens” and “slaves to fear” who “would never have set foot outside their domain, unless something—or someone—spooked them.”

Climate scientists have no natural enemies, but police are not ruling out fell deeds.

“Certain circumstantial data are reminiscent, if not redolent, of dodgy play,” explained a media liaison officer for Australian Federal Police, “but apodeictic proof of villainy has yet to be uncovered, so it is too early to rule out fair cricket.”

The Sydney Morning Herald“It’s not like Tim to let a domain name lapse,” said the father of one scientist.

The grandma of another chimed in.

“Have you met [the group of friends]? An ISP bill would be chump change. Climate scientists might only get eight months of work a year but they’re obscenely [well] compensated. It’s silly money, really.

“Are we seriously meant to believe eight academics on $190,000 couldn’t do a whip-round for fifty bucks when their [virtual] landlord was up their arse[s]?”

The 92-year-old woman was even more scathing when she took into account the site’s lack of premium features (“really, no comments?”), static sitemap and shallow navigation structure (“two or three clicks deep, if that”).

“Packages this minimal, blogging platforms are practically paying you to take off their hands these days,” she felt.

“If [my grandson] and his mates paid more than $9.99 [last year], they got bloody well gypped.”

One of the mums agreed. “That would be pretty gullible, even for them.” nytlogo379x64Police in Australia have praised the “fast thinking, slow thinking” and “community spirit” of an anonymous citizen who discovered the eerie ghost property late last night. Perturbed by what he could only describe as “suspicious inactivities” at the site, the punter rang a national crime hotline sometime later to articulate his vague forebodings.

Two members of the squad [which discovered the pitiful state of the blog] are on Sadness Leave.

NSW Police Force Assistant Commissioner Peter Barrie told a press conference today: “In 2015, the National Crime Command is urging people to ‘Follow Your Instincts’ if you suspect something is dodgy.

“Last night’s good Samaritan did exactly that. Remember, ‘If You Sense Something, Say Something. No Matter How Ineffable.'”

Acting on the tipoff, detectives from the IP Sniffer Dog Unit and Missing Evidence Task Force carried out a daring pre-dawn browse of the address.

“But there was nothing to see. Or perhaps: nothingness,” said Assistant Commissioner Barrie.

Although squatters had ‘bagsed’ the site (an Australianism thought to mean something like ‘claimed’), the desolation was otherwise “utter,” he recalled.

Hardened cyber-detectives—twenty-year veterans of the squad—were reportedly among those affected by the sepulchral silence and measureless emptiness. An AFP source says at least two members of today’s strike force were given Sadness Leave, triggered presumably by the unspeakable and immemorial vacuum that dwells where science’s favorite fraidycats should be.

elpaislogograndeAustralia’s Scared Scientists are now understood to have gone missing a full four months ago. That’s when their address was vacated, according to squatters who were interviewed by police today.

The development dashed hopes that the troubled researchers had simply gone ‘walkabout’ and might be back within hours—before hunger, delirium and frostbite began to take a toll.

There is no recorded case of climate scientists surviving more than a few weeks away from the inner city areas they call home.

The news has led many Australians to give up their vigil for the emotionally arrested researchers.

Police are expected to make a formal announcement, in coming hours, of a shift in mission parameters from rescue to recovery—the traditional signal to begin imagining the victims not as they were in happier times, but as they are now: in thermal equilibrium with nature.

Only one hope remains for the special scientists’ survival: foul play.

The eight anxious families are now keeping their spirits up by debating whether their loved ones are in the clutches of organ harvesters, sex traffickers or climate deniers.

Le-Monde-newspaper-logoA groundswell of worried citizens in Australia and elsewhere is calling for the ruins of the Scared Scientists’ habitat to be honored.

scaredscientists ghost site

World heritage site: The poignant void where the Scared Scientists were last seen. Humankind is still in negotiations to release this haunting, haunted space—which belongs to all of us—from corporate clutches.

“It’s time to kick out the squatters, and let the well-wishing community turn [the Scientists’] final resting place into a tribute wall, scrapbook or dynamic, evolving shrine!”, said a Facebook petition released three days ago. It quickly struck a chord, and has so far gathered 150,000 signatures—plus several celebrity endorsements.

So transcendental was the message of the petition, its authors did not want to limit it by addressing it to anyone. It begins simply, “To whom the fate of the planet may concern.”

President Obama’s tweetwriters gave it their blessing, attaching the words, “Nobody should own hallowed ground. We, the People, need to take [the Scared site] back.”

Australian police have already been moved to explain themselves. In an AFP statement yesterday they acknowledged the global attitude to those who squat on the sacred, but pleaded that—for absurd historical reasons—their hands were tied.

“We have to point out,” they pointed out, “that Australia is technically a constitutional squattocracy.”

Meanwhile the occupants of the site, who are said to be fans of the mass movement, are still waiting to hear back from mankind. In a new blog post they’ve reminded us, the People, that they slashed the domain price to $2 several days ago.

“Knowing how much this cause means to the pro-climate world we were only too happy to offer the reduction.

“The ball is in the people’s court.

“No pressure.”

4 thoughts on “What the lesser outlets are saying about Our Missing Scientists

  1. Sarmange

    A friend of mine found this ad in the Horse & Hound magazine. Maybe this could shed some light on this sad story?

    Climate Scientists looking for a home
    These eight scared and nervous Climate Scientists have been callously abandoned by their former Cargo Cult custodian that renounce any further responsibility for them.
    They are in good shape and rather cute, 4 males and 4 females.
    If you are of a calm and kindly personality, used to raise deer and willing to take care of the whole pride, you are the person we are looking for.
    Ref; “Easy now!”

    Liked by 1 person

  2. catweazle666

    That’s nothing.

    In the UK the Evil Oil Orcs and the Government Spooks are not satisfied with merely disappearing them but are actively assassinating climate scientists by all kinds of fiendishly imaginative methods.

    A Cambridge professor has claimed three scientists investigating the melting of Arctic ice may have been assassinated.

    Professor Peter Wadhams, based at Polar Ocean Physics Group at the Centre for Mathematical Sciences in Wilberforce Road, said the trio could have been murdered and hinted the oil industry or government forces might be implicated.

    The three scientists he identified all died within the space of a few months in early 2013.

    Professor Seymour Laxon fell down a flight of stairs at a New Year’s Eve party at a house in Essex.

    Dr Katherine Giles died when she was in collision with a lorry when cycling to work in London. Dr Tim Boyd is thought to have been struck by lightening [sic] while walking in Scotland.”


    How clever to clandestinely arrange for a man to fall downstairs at a New Year’s Eve party and for a cyclist to be snuffed by a truck – in London of all places!

    And even the Great Thunder God Thor has been suborned – probably by the Koch Brothers – and is now utilising his powers on behalf of the fossil fuel industry.

    Big Oil will clearly stop at nothing!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. |StillScared|

    To whom it may concern

    I know what has become of these scared scientists. I know why they disappeared, and, more importantly, I know who did it.


    Because I *am* one of those scientists.

    Who am I? It doesn’t matter. What matters is my story.

    …which I won’t rehearse here. I’m scared, but I’m not stupid.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. geronimo

    “an Australianism thought to mean something like ‘claimed’”. To “bagsy” (sometimes “bags”) does indeed mean to claim, but it’s not an Australian term, it was in common use in Liverpool (and for all I know throughout the UK) in the 1940s, long before Australia had even been found by Thomas Cook. However there could be a connection there, Thomas, in the 1940s at least, was frequently given the nickname “tucker”, e.g. Tucker Cook (although I’ve not actually seen it used that way), which brings in the Australian connection nicely with “tucker bag” (“bag” should be in bold) which used to mean something that carries your sandwiches if I’m as familiar with Australian as I think I ought to be. The “bag” is also connected to “Bagsy” by the habit of jolly swagmen putting jumbucks into them, essentially “bagsying” the jumbuck.

    I’ll leave it there a lot of CO2 has gone into the air since the 1940s and things have changed dramatically, but I think i have a lead for you. Last week during my annual trip to the Austro-Hungarian border I spotted a group of eight people in white coats trying to mingle in with the swarm of immigrants.

    Get the German police onto it I think we may be onto something.

    Liked by 1 person


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